Sports: Why I Still Know Nothing About Them

I have never been a sports fan.  My dad only watched golf and NASCAR when I was growing up, both sports I find utterly boring and repetitive (although I watched NASCAR for the crashes).  He would watch other sports if they were on.  A family friend had great seats to all the San Jose Sharks games, so I learned to like hockey.  Outside of that, our family watched the Superbowl, but that was about it.  I went to my first baseball game at 23.  Same with football.  Sure, I attended the games during high school, but only because it was a requirement since I was on the dance team.  Overall, I just wasn’t raised as a sports fan.  I do support my local teams because I’ve lived in this area all my life, but I don’t consider myself a true fan.  The players I can name are players I find attractive.  When people discuss sports, I tune them out because even if I listened, it’d all be Greek to me.

I’m not one of those girls who loves sports.  I’m also not one of those girls who pretends she does.  It just doesn’t interest me.  I’d rather go out than watch the game on tv.  I’d rather listen to music than sports on the radio.  It just isn’t my thing.  Granted, every guy I’ve ever dated has either been an athlete or been a die hard sports fan, but that doesn’t mean I have to learn to love sports.

What I do enjoy is going to games.  I enjoy the atmosphere, the camaraderie, and let’s be honest here, the drinking.  I’ll go to Superbowl parties.  I’ll go to games.  That I enjoy.  I don’t need to know every rule or every statistic.  I don’t need to know what the odds of our team winning are.  That isn’t why I’m there.  I’m there for the experience.

What’s irritating about this is when people tell me I should make an effort to get into sports.  Why?  Because the person I’m dating is into them?  Well, I’m into shoes.  Should he learn about them?  I don’t expect him to ask me about designers or styles or what’s in, why should he expect me to ask about a certain player’s stats?  Just because he likes something, doesn’t mean I have to.  It isn’t like I refuse to go to games with him or I bitch when he watches the game.  I just don’t have a desire to learn all the rules and technicalities.  I don’t know or really care what an RBI is.  I don’t understand why that point wasn’t awarded.  Occasionally I’ll ask, but if I don’t want to know exactly what’s going on, it shouldn’t make or break a relationship.  People are different with different interests.

This is probably why girls who pretend to like sports irritate me.  If you are genuinely into sports, awesome.  If not, why are you pretending?  I refuse to pretend.  I just find sports boring.  Plain and simple.  I bet some people would find a ballet boring.  I find it exhilarating.  I’m not going to force my friends or anyone else for that matter to like what I like.  Don’t force me.  Sure, invite me to a game.  If I want to go, I will.  If not, don’t push it.

I get it, I’m overweight…

Yes, I’m overweight.  Yes, I’m a lazy ass.  Yes, I’m out of shape.  No, I don’t need your condescending attitude about it just bc you’re thin.

Why don’t I jog? My breasts are so large, even just jogging is excruciating for my back/shoulders which are already in pain most of the day.

Why don’t I just hike more or climb stairs? My left hip will need to be replaced soon due to bone deterioration from medication I was on for years and my left knee was injured when I was a teenager.  I’m actually supposed to avoid stairs at all costs, but take them because I feel like a lazy ass when I don’t.

Why don’t I lift weights? Much like my hip, most of my joints are extremely weak and prone to dislocation.  My shoulders are a big issue.  Growing up with an abusive father, my body as been beaten and battered for years and parts of me are just falling apart.

None of this is an excuse for not being more active.  I can walk around my block.  I can do small things to make myself more active and help myself shed these unwanted pounds.  Trust me, despite my lack of action, I know what I need to do to change myself.

What pisses me off about all of this is there is one person in particular (a friend of a friend, who I don’t particularly like and only put up with because he’s invited everywhere and it isn’t usually my place to say something) who feels because he has a fast metabolism and is stick thin, he is qualified to “train” me and any of my other friends who are either overweight or just want to improve their athleticism.  BULL.SHIT.  I’ve seen him work out.  I’ve seen him ATTEMPT to run an extended distance.  Being thin is not the equivalent of being fit.  Don’t tell me I should start running when I know that isn’t the best way for me to get my cardio in.  Don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t eat when all you eat is fast food.  In fact, just stop talking all together.  I didn’t ask for your advice or help, and trust me, I NEVER will.

The other thing he loves to do is invite me and my friends on “epic adventures” aka “I’m gonna drive us all up to some woodsy area, and we can smoke pot and drink beer”.  Fine.  I don’t see why we have to sneak weed into a wildlife preserve or hike to the top of some mountain just to sit and drink, but if it makes you feel like you’ve done something with your life, sure.  What makes me want to hit him with my car is when he comes up to me and says “don’t worry, the hike isn’t that bad, you’ll be able to make it to the top.”  EXCUSE YOU, DOUCHEBAG.  I can hike.  Despite my complaining, I can do it.  I’m not going to pass out before we hit the top.  I’m not going to cry.  I might be a little winded by the time we get to the top, but I’m not incapable of walking the few miles to the top of wherever the fuck you want to take us.

I used to dance competitively.  I used to be thin.  I used to workout every day AFTER taking dance classes for hours.  I gained all of this weight as a side effect of the drugs I was on from 15-22.  It slowed my metabolism.  Weakened my bones.  But it didn’t make me incapable of swimming laps or hiking for the day.  Just because I’d rather go to the beach than hike up a mountain with you, doesn’t mean it’s because I’m just too goddamn fat.  Maybe, just MAYBE, we blow you off because you think you’re better than everyone in EVERY way and have no problems showing that, constantly.

Yes, I’m overweight.  Yes, I need to be more active.  No, I don’t need people who have no idea what they’re talking about “reassuring” me that I can do a certain physical activity.  My legs are almost pure muscle.  I’ll make it up the fucking trail.  Don’t tell me you’ll make it easy for me.  I’m overweight, not disabled.  I’m not on crutches.  I’m not in a wheelchair.  I’m just out of shape.  You want to “help” me?  Shut up and let me do my own thing.

Then again, this guy rates himself as a 9 on the 1-10 scale and going by looks alone, he’d be lucky to make the scale.  Add in his personality and he’s definitely somewhere in the negatives. So, I’m not surprised he thinks he’s the god of health.

Related articles

• Weight Bias: Important Information for Parents (education.com)

Apparently you know more than I do…

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I know a lot about many things and nothing about others.  Some people, however, are under the illusion they know everything.  These people need to stay away from me.  Far, far away.  Trust me, it’s for their own good.  Everyone has a few things they have a lot of knowledge about due to their past experiences, but some people think they should tell you how to do just about everything (I had someone lecture me on the proper way to fill an ice cube tray…wtf).  Don’t lecture me on something I know everything about because one of two things will happen – I’ll tune you out completely or I’ll school you and make you look like the idiot you really are (usually the latter occurs, haha).  Here are three things I cannot stand people trying to tell me about when they obviously have no fucking clue.

1. Pet training.  I have dogs, and I always have.  I also have many other pets and outside of researching how to train and care for these pets before getting them (something everyone should do), I have a lot of firsthand knowledge.  If I make my dog do thirty commands before giving him dinner, let me.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t say I’m being cruel.  A well-trained dog is essential, especially if you own a pitbull.  If I want to take his food from him mid-meal or mess with it, let me.  There’s a reason for it.  If I’m punishing him, don’t intervene.  This especially bothers me when people don’t have dogs themselves.  I don’t tell you how to raise your children, don’t interfere with how I raise my dog.  I also recently acquired a parrot from someone who falls into this “I know everything and will insist on telling you you’re doing it wrong” category.  Within twenty minutes of meeting the bird, she had already learned that “up” means step onto my hand.  He, on the other hand, couldn’t touch her without being bitten.  He’d yell at her and actually poke or shove her when she was doing something wrong.  Birds respond to soft voices and do not take physical punishment well.  It’s no wonder he ended up giving her to me because he couldn’t handle her.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t pretend.  We all know the truth and you’re making a fool out of yourself.
2. Relationships.  I am not the person you want to go to for relationship advice.  I will give you advice based on what I think a relationship should be, but as far as solid, credible advice, I am discrediting myself.  However, I don’t go around butting into people’s relationships and claiming I know exactly how they work.  A lot of people who have less credibility than I do think they are the ultimate in relationship advice because…well, I don’t really know why.  I’m going to assume they watch too many movies and television shows.  The thing about relationship advice is it tends to be case specific.  Unless I know the person relatively well, I am hesitant to give advice outside of the obvious.  People love to tell me I shouldn’t do x, y, or z for whatever reason, but just because you wouldn’t do it or it wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t meant it wouldn’t make me happy.  And that’s the most important part of a relationship, isn’t it?  Both parties need to be happy with what’s going on.  If I don’t outright ask for your advice, chances are I don’t want or need it.
3. My medical condition.  I have had a renal (kidney) conniption since I was 15.  I am very open about it because it isn’t a common condition and what I went through (from months in hospitals twice a year to chemotherapy) is something I like sharing because we had to make many tough decisions and I learned a lot.  Sometimes I tell these stories and people feel it’s okay to tell me things like “oh, well, what you should’ve done was this” or “this probably caused that”.  Excuse the fuck out of you, but do you even have an inkling of an idea about what you’re talking about?  I know how this works; I lived it.  People who have never been hospitalized in their life have said things like “why didn’t they give you morphine for your pain?  Your doctor must be terrible.”.  No, actually, my doctor is pretty damn fucking brilliant.  Morphine can have adverse effects and considering the amount of medications I was on, other painkillers were used, even though they weren’t as effective due to safety.  It also pisses me off when people get on my case about going against doctor’s orders.  In a hospital a general doctor sees you and maybe fifty other patients a day.  Usually this doctor has an intern or team of interns who brief them on your condition before they come in to do rounds.  My renal specialist, however, knows all of his patients forwards and backwards, so if my general doctor at the hospital says one thing (one example was when he attempted to fit me with a catheter and I threw a fit) and I know there is another option, I check with my specialist and usually get what I want (since I was fully mobile and a catheter can pose an extra infection risk for patients with a low immune system, I was allowed to avoid having one).  To this day I get people saying things like, “You should take Aleeve for your headache because its better for you than Tylenol,” and when I try to explain that due to my medical condition I can’t have Aleeve, they act like because they’ve had headaches all their life they know more than I do.  Save your breath before I knock it out of you.

All in all, I believe you should give advice only if it is asked of you.  You might not know the reasoning behind their actions and there could be a very valid reason they are doing something a specific way.  Just because it isn’t *your* way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Wrinkles – Why IDGAF

I overheard a woman at the drugstore today who told her daughter she couldn’t have a silly straw because “drinking from straws gives you lip wrinkles”.  Ok lady, A) your daughter is like six and B) LIP WRINKLES?  I drink from straws bc they’re fun, convenient, and for things like coffee, it helps avoid staining my teeth.  Lip wrinkles my ass.  I’m all for some preventative care, like using a skin cream (which beauty experts suggest women start using at age 20 now…anti-wrinkle cream..at 20?  I’m already screwed), but avoiding straws (and smoking) because of lip wrinkles?  I guess i shouldn’t smile either because those damned crow’s feet will start showing up.

Now, I know skin wrinkles over time and yes, constant puckering could, in fact, cause more lines and wrinkles around your mouth than someone who has never puckered their lips (all you girls doing the duck face are fucking up your skin, haha), but that means making out is causing wrinkles…which, let’s face it, I’m not giving up anytime soon.  I bet you she uses this whole lip wrinkles thing as an excuse to not do a certain something for her husband (trying to keep this post as G-rated as possible).  Lip wrinkles.  Whatever.

Here’s something I do just to show you how little of a flying fuck I could give about wrinkles: I rub my eyes almost every morning/night before and after bed.  I mean RUB.  We are talking vigorous circles and deep digging and makeup smeared across my eyes (because I rarely wash it off before bed…I’, just chock-full of great beauty habits over here….haha).  I’m talking rubbing till I see stars, taking a break, and rubbing some more.  Outside of stretching, rubbing my eyes is a favorite “I just woke up” activity.  And this causes major eye wrinkles.  Someone one described it as crumpling a paper bag every morning.  Soon it isn’t as hard to crumple, soon it becomes soft and limp and can’t hold shape, just like your skin.  True.  Very true.  Eye-rubbing can cause wrinkles, but who the fuck cares?  I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian and I know I’m going to look 30 until I hit 60, which is when I’ll suddenly look like I’m 100, or if its because I have never looked at a woman and thought less of her for her wrinkles.

I have judged teeth, hair, makeup, clothes, you name it, but wrinkles do not faze me.  I’m not sure if its because I feel like wrinkles are sort of a reminder that you’ve been there, done that, or if it’s because everyone gets them, but I really don’t consciously work on preventing them.  I wear sunscreen every day, but it’s in my moisturizer and I started the sunscreen thing when I was on chemo because I was sun-sensitive.  Other than that, life can bring it, I’ll just have a midlife crisis (or three) and be over it.  As long as you can’t mistake my face for a raisin, a few lip/eye wrinkles is no biggie.

Would you rather be gorgeous with a few wrinkles or look like your face was molded from plastic by a blind person?

Why Valentine’s day is overrated, but I wouldn’t say I hate it

I feel like a lot of girls think they know what guys want and try to mold themselves into that image (gamer chicks, girls who know cars, girls who like sports, etc.).  Granted, many of these girls genuinely have these interests, I feel like a lot of these sentiments are faked.  Hatred of Valentine’s Day is a prime example.

Valentine’s Day is an over commercialized holiday (which ones aren’t these days?) falling on February 14th every year.  Chocolates, roses, stuffed bears holding hearts, we’ve all seen it before,  Even as kindergardeners we brought valentines to school to give to all of our classmates.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day (as many girls like to claim), but I do think it’s vastly overrated.  Unlike my birthday or an anniversary, EVERYONE participates in Valentine’s Day (assuming you don’t fall into the “forever alone” category), and at this point it’s mandatory that you get your significant other something to commemorate a day that few people know the history behind.  In all honesty, I’d rather be taken out for an anniversary or birthday because it is special to me and personal versus being something everyone is doing.  That being said, I wouldn’t mind being treated or getting a gift on Valentine’s day, but I’d be equally happy getting nothing, which is DEFINITELY not the case for my birthday.  In a similar light, if my significant other’s birthday fell on or around Valentine’s day, I would want nothing from him because it simply isn’t as special.

Now let’s get into the gifts/marketing aspect of Valentine’s Day.  As o New Year’s Day, I was already seeing the heart shaped boxes and red and pink decorations adorning drugstores.  As someone who hates pink because I find the color obnoxious, having to put up with it for a month before the actual holiday is quite irritating.  For me, a gift on Valentine’s Day is completely optional, and if you’re going to get me something, please put a little thought into it or don’t bother.  I refuse to grab a box of chocolates off a shelf and call it a day.  If I’m buying candy or chocolate, it’s going to be picked specifically for the person in mind, assuming I know what their favorites are.  Flowers too.  Even stuffed animals (although I do like bears, haha).  Personally, I’d much rather receive one sunflower than fifty roses because I’d know he was specifically thinking of me at the time versus just grabbing whatever.  As a female, lingerie is always marketed as a popular gift…apparently you can’t surprise someone by dressing like a vixen any other day….and sadly, sex has also become a go-to gift (not that I’d ever complain about getting that as a present…).  Dinner is also a go-to option.  Restaurants are already advertising “dinner for two” specials.  Again, the lack of thought here is what gets me.  I’d be more than happy ordering a pizza and watching a movie to celebrate-at least you’re together, right?  And, let’s be honest, if you want to interrupt the movie for a little spontaneous playtime, have at it, no need to finish dinner and drive home.

The sad part about this holiday is that people are starting to dread it, even if they have someone to celebrate with.  It’s becoming mandatory to spend money and do something to prove you love someone on that specific day. You shouldn’t have to.  Just like I believe you shouldn’t have to get married to prove that you want to be with that person forever.  If you love them, they should know it because you should be showing it in all the little things you do; Valentine’s Day shouldn’t make or break the relationship.  When I used to babysit regularly, Valentine’s Day would be one of my biggest money makers because it was obligatory date night.  I don’t think it should feel like that.  It shouldn’t be a chore.  You shouldn’t have to fret and worry about what you’re doing or if you forgot.

Valentine’s Day has become some sort of monster of a holiday to those in relationships and a total buzzkill for those who aren’t.  I think way too much goes into this holiday and in all honesty, it really isn’t all that special.  To me its just another day where there is a possibility of something romantic happening.  If it doesn’t, no biggie.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t look forward to it either.  I’m completely indifferent about it, and I really think most of us should be that way.  If you’re surprised with flowers or a gift, great, but don’t expect them or be disappointed when the ideal romantic comedy-esque date doesn’t happen.  It’s just another church holiday marketed into a mandatory gift giving day.  Show them they’re special every day, not just on the fourteenth.

How is this attractive?

I decided to search on the internet for people who think they are attractive or are thought to be attractive.  I’m not talking about a single instance of something happening.  I’m talking about a “look”.  Like the “I just rolled in Doritos” look or the “My makeup is expensive, so I’m wearing it all at once” look.  The great part about all of these is that someone must have found this attractive or it wouldn’t keep happening.  Let me show you the right and very wrong way to achieve each of my chosen “looks”.

BEING TAN

It should look natural, not like you’ve been painted.  Sun-kissed not  ORANGE. When in doubt, go to a tanning salon.  At home jobs are rarely a good idea.

MAKEUP

I don’t care how much makeup you have to use (see the before/after on the right) or what colors you use.  It is about BLENDING.  Makeup is meant to look like its supposed to be on your face, not like you were painted.  Need help?  YouTube has thousands of tutorials.

SHAPED EYEBROWS

No one wants a caterpillar for eyebrows, and I don’t care if you draw them on, wax, or tweeze, but please make sure they don’t make you look like a cartoon character.  When in doubt, get them professionally done at a CREDIBLE place because even the pros” can totally fuck them up.

POOF/QUIFF

So you like the look of the little “poof”?  Good.  But if you need to use a can or two of hairspray to keep it up, it’s probably too tall.  It shouldn’t look like your head is misshapen or like you’re wearing a hairpiece.  Again, make it look as natural as possible.

SHORT DRESSES

If we can see your ass, even when you’re not bent over, IT IS TOO SHORT. End of story.

Why Driving Will One Day Make Me Insane

So you’re driving along and the asshole behind you decides you aren’t going fast enough for them, so now they’re on your ass. As someone who regularly speeds, this is irritating as hell.  Let’s make this scenario even more obnoxious, shall we?  The person behind you decides things like flashing their high beams at you will make you speed up.  Because, logically, when I can’t see where I’m driving, I hit the gas…Oh, and that empty lane next to me?  You couldn’t POSSIBLY use that to pass me?  Better yet, this idiot passes me, and then decides to give me a taste of my own medicine by slowing down so now I’M riding THEIR ass just to keep up the SAME EXACT FUCKING SPEED I was going when they were behind me. There’s a lot of intelligence going on there…a lot of it.

How about those bikes?  In the bike lane or the side of the road, doing their thing.  Oh, wait, aren’t bikes usually slightly off to the side, but not far enough for you to pass them?  Really?  Are you more afraid of parked cars or ones flying down the street at 40mph who might not see you and, oh I don’t know, hit you?  And what’s the deal with running stop signs?  You’re on the fucking road, therefore you must follow the rules of the road.  Even pedestrians stop at stop signs.  They don’t just run into the intersection.  But you’re on a bike so I guess that means it’s okay right?  Because you’re saving the environment and are so much more fit than I am….I believe if I hit you because you ran a stop sign, regardless if you were on a bike or in a car, it should b your fault.  Morons.

Anyone like those people who drive in the emergency lanes to get maybe four cars further in the merge?  Me either.  These jerkoffs speed into the emergency lane and then jam themselves back into traffic, usually with no signal.  I saw you pull out of the lane, you really think I’m letting you back in?  Nope.  Go on, hit me with your Mustang. I fucking dare you.

Here’s another favorite driving move that a lot of people love to pull: my driveway is in six blocks, but let me go 5mph now so I make sure I don’t miss it.  Do you not live there?  How stupid are you?  What makes this hilarious is that I live by a bunch of apartment complexes and actually see people miss the driveway into their complex ALL THE TIME.  Really?  You don’t know where you live?  And you can make the excuse they you just moved in or it was a guest and they didn’t know where it was, but I see the SAME cars slowing down to almost nothing to pull into their apartments BLOCKS ahead of time and STILL MISS THEM.  They’ll give a license to anyone these days.

My favorite annoying driving move of all time has to be the douchebags who park like they own the world.  Did you REALLY need to take up two spots?  If you moved your car up just a foot or two, another car could fit, but no, your car needs space.  See those lines in this crowded parking lot?  They designate where you should park.  You park IN BETWEEN the lines, not with a line going under your car.  This is why some cars get keyed or have shopping carts hurled into their doors….I’m just saying.

5 Reasons I Love/Hate my iPhone

I currently own an iPhone 4, so some of this may or may not be irrelevant to those who have upgraded.  I refuse to research if any of this has changed with the iPhone 4S though, because if Siri keeps getting rubbed in my face, I will lose it and soon people will die.  On that note, here are the 5 things I love about my iPhone that also aggravate me:

1. GPS that includes walking/public transportation directions and is fairly accurate.

I get lost a lot…A LOT, so this comes in handy, especially if oh, I don’t know…I’m wandering the streets of San Francisco at 2am, am drunk, and really want pizza. What I hate about it: the GPS doesn’t talk to you, so while driving, I’m constantly looking down at my phone to see if my turn or exit is coming up. Both dangerous and irritating beyond all belief.

2. Two cameras and flash.

The front camera comes in handy for those typical “myspace” photos, or if everyone is too drunk to be trusted with holding your phone.  The flash is great for taking pictures in dark clubs/bars and letting everyone know you about to Facebook this event in realtime via your mobile app. What I hate about it: the front camera is grainy and it’s VERY hard to hold and take the photo, especially if intoxicated, because usually that damn button is too far away or another finger has slid onto the screen.  Also, the flash is brighter than he’ll…like it manages to make your face look washed out in EVERY photo, while not being strong enough to illuminate what you were trying to capture a photo of in the first place (like a nice background or a crowd behind you)

3.  Apps, there is literally always “an app for that”.

I have downloaded HUNDREDS of free/0.99 apps onto my phone.  Everything from games to utility apps to games to an app for my bank to more games.  I have yet to search for an app in the App Store and not find something that will do what I need done and usually they’re free (bonus!).  What I hate about it: I often download games that seem awesome and end up playing them regularly.  Then real life kicks in and I don’t have time to harvest before shit withers or collect my daily bonus or check the FOUR HUNDRED NOTIFICATIONS my phone has been getting throughout my workday, causing my phone to die because it is alerting me every five seconds.  Turn off the notifications and I forget all about the game, causing everything to die on it.  Which is awesome…

4.  I can multitask and have a bunch of things open at once.

Whenever I need to check a text while I’m writing an email tweet (let’s be honest here, I never write emails…), I can do it quickly and easily.  If I need to check anything while doing anything else, I can switch back and forth with ease and not lose progress made in either application.  What I hate about it: I rarely end up using the feature because I rarely have to switch back and forth between applications.  I’m not sure what type of iPhone user would NEED multitasking, but in my world, the only thing I use it for is to play Pandora while I’m on Facebook or Twitter.  In the end, I forget to close all of the apps (admittedly they’re mostly games) that I use on a daily basis.  Between that and what was discussed in item 3, my phone dies on me regularly, causing much grief and a lot of cursing.

5.  The charger fits an iPad, iTouch, or other Apple product and is a USB cable so it fits into any PC.

This is remarkably handy because, as you all probably have figured out, my phone is always low on battery.  Most of the people I know have at least one Apple product that will have a charger compatible with my phone.  PERFECT.  Also, if i just carry around the USB cable, BOOM, I can charge anywhere that accepts USB cables (even a PS2 as I recently discovered).  What I hate about it: WHY IS THE CORD THEY SEND YOU LIKE TWO INCHES LONG?  In this case, size does fucking matter.  OMFG.  I don’t know how many times I’ve been using my phone in bed, flipped over, and YANKED that fucking charger out of its fucking socket.  What. The. Fuck.  I would pay extra for a cord of acceptable length because this shit is just not okay.  I mean, how much did I pay for this phone?  And you’re going to put THAT in the box with it?  Do you see how long my Macbook charger is?  It’s like triple the length of my stupid USB cord for my phone.  I was utterly SHOCKED pulling it out of the box.  A charger that will actually  reach where I need it to fit? NO. FREAKING. WAY. Apple, get on this.  Stat.

Compliments that aren’t…

This blog post is going to be short, yet sweet.  Maybe “sweet” isn’t the right word, but it’ll definitely be shorter than other ramblings.  I decided to create a list of compliments/conversations I’ve had with people who genuinely thought they were making me feel better about myself.  They weren’t being sarcastic, and they weren’t trying to insult me, but there compliment didn’t go as planned.  Of course, I’m paraphrasing because my memory is shit, but I am NOT exaggerating.  This is what happens when you are constantly approached by people, and it isn’t pretty.  haha.  Here are some “compliments” I have actually received from people who actually thought I wouldn’t be offended/turned off/weirded out by what they said:

“You look like one of the Kardashian sisters, you know, that bigger one who isn’t actually pretty?”

“You mean Khloe?”

“I don’t know.  Definitely not Kim.  That one everyone makes fun of, not that they all aren’t sort of a joke.  I mean, I’d hit any of ’em.  They’re all hot.  She is just the ugly one out of the bunch.”

“Did you really just hit on a girl at a party by calling her ugly?”

“Hey, I said I’d still be down to hit it.  Its like…like…like cars.  Just because it’s a little beat up, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get in.”

From that point, I just walked away.

“Girl, you may be the biggest chick in this joint, but you also give me the biggest boner”

…enough said…

“I don’t mean to be rude, but I want to bury my face in your chest.”

“….um….thanks?”

“You’re welcome.  I’m serious though.  I bet those are real.  I bet they flop around like a woman on National Geographic.  You ever watch that channel?  With those women in tribes that never wear clothes?  And their boobs are all floppy?  I bet you could smother me with your rack.”

“…was that supposed to be a compliment?”

“Of course.”

“Alrighty then…I have to pee…um…thanks for the drink…I’ll be back…”

And I never returned from my “bathroom” trip.

“How tall are you?”

“I’m 5’7ish, but I’m in heels right now, soI’m probably closer to 5’10” (this guy was roughly 5’8)

“Oh, they make your legs look great.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re kinda tall though.  Like an amazon woman or something.”

“An amazon woman?”

“Ya, I mean, it’s nice.  I like it.  You’re not offended or anything, right?”

“No, not at all, I mean you just compared me to a masculine warrior type of woman, but no, not offended at all.”

“Cool, I like that.  You’re easy going….so….can I get your number?”

“Actually, I don’t own a phone, because I live in the Amazon, but I appreciate you asking”

And, yet again, I walked away.

“I just want you to know that I wish I had a chest like yours.  Where did you get them done?”

“Oh…they’re real…”

“No way. Mind if I feel them? (she then reaches over and touches my boobs before I can tell her she can’t touch them) My boyfriend wants me to get mine done so I can get into the porn industry.”

Now, this girl was a cashier at Starbucks who literally reached over the counter and touched me while people were in line behind me.  Awkward? Definitely.  At least she didn’t charge me for my drink…

“Do you have any kids?” (woman who works at Target)

“No.”

“Oh, I just thought because your boobs were awkwardly big for your body, you might have a kid or two at home.”

“Oh…no…theyre just…like that”

“Ya.  I see.  They’re really nice though.  A little awkward, no offense, but nice I guess”

Gee…thanks lady…

“Where’d you get your jeans?” (random customer at CVS who approached me in the toothpaste aisle)

“American Eagle.”

“Oh.  Nice.  They make your butt look huge.”

“…thanks…”

“No really, I could use a pair of those.  American Eagle.  I’ll remember that. Thanks.”

No, thank *you* for telling me my ass looks huge…

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t as short as I’d hoped, but these are the kinds of things people feel the need to say to me.  I know they mean well, but a simple “you look nice” would suffice.  No need to go into detailed comparisons or touch me.  Just a tip for those of you giving out compliments: watch your wording….and your hands…

Why I go to bars…

All of my close friends are finally over 21, yet we rarely go out to bars. There are a few reasons, some of which are my own personal problems with taking these people out and others are their own personal problems, which I will now spread all over the internet. I’m going to go ahead and leave names out, even though they’ll know I’m bitching about them if they ever read this (which I *highly* doubt they will). Let’s start with a quick list of why I enjoy going to bars:

1. drinking
2. social
3. drinking
4. its public property, versus someone’s house where you have to worry about being courteous and things like spilling
5. alcohol never runs out
6. drinking

The only real cons I see are the cost and the possibility of having to cab it home (versus a DD, which doesn’t always work out).

Here’s a quick breakdown of the 3 main reasons why my friends don’t like going to bars with me or just aren’t invited:

1.  A couple of my friends don’t understand that just because we are drinking, it doesn’t mean you have to get WASTED.  Sure, drink away, but know your limits.  I definitely drink WAY too much sometimes (my birthday being a PERFECT example), but even though I get drunk, I;m not obnoxiously hammered to the point of needing a babysitter.  Things my friends have done because they are too drunk to be in public include:

• drinking from random drinks strangers have – just because it’s there and not empty, doesn’t mean you can take sips
• sleeping at the bar – go sleep in the car, don’t get kicked out because you drank yourself into a coma
• pissing yourself – enough said
• knocking over tables/barstools/people/drinks – walking disaster
• whining about wanting food…to everyone – no food here, pretty sure those people don’t care how hungry you are
• eating other people’s food – just because the bar serves food, doesn’t mean you can sit with strangers and eat their food

Bottom line is-dont do anything that can cause a fight or would be grounds for us to            get kicked out, and I’m a happy camper.  Control yourself.  You’ve been drinking since high school, learn your limits.  We are in a public place and you “just having fun” is ruining the night not just for the rest of us, but also other patrons.

2.  Complaining about the cost is one of my friend’s favorite things to do.  I understand drinking at home is cheaper and we can get shit faced there,  but the point of going to a bar is to meet new people, socialize, and have fun in a group setting versus four of us getting drink at someone’s house.  I try my hardest to pick places without a cover and usually theres some sort of $2 beer.  It really isn’t all that expensive.  Every one of my friends works, and they all can actually afford it, they’re just too cheap.  So, upon being invited, the “I’m broke” excuse usually surfaces and they end up staying home.

3.  I go to bars for the social aspect of it.  I am a girl.  Men will hit on me.  It happens.  People will talk to me.  Not all of the people who talk to me want to sleep with me, and I understand that.  One of my friends had a very protective girlfriend and ANY time ANYONE approaches her girlfriend, she loses it.  As the night continues, she gets progressively more drunk and more people approach her girlfriend, which pisses her off more.  Her girlfriend always explains she has a girlfriend, but can’t help that people approach her.  It’s part of the atmosphere; it comes  with the territory.  Instead of sulking in the corner and getting mad at your girlfriend (who is not at fault in any way), maybe you should socialize as well.  Instead of assuming every person who goes up to your girlfriend is trying to hit on her, talk to them like she does.  It will be obvious you two are together, problem solved.  But no, this always escalates into a fight between the two of them.  You live together.  Do you really think she is going to take someone else home or leave with someone else? I *HIGHLY* doubt that.  The last bar we went to, the argument happened early in the night and she ended up walking home while we stayed and enjoyed our night.  Talk about a buzzkill.

 

I got to bars to be social.  Sure, it can get expensive, but we’re all here to have a good time.  Get a little drunk, not hammered, and socialize.  Maybe we’ll meet new people to kick it with.  That’s why I go out.  Not to get wasted or spend all my money or fight over stupid things.