I get it, I’m overweight…

Yes, I’m overweight.  Yes, I’m a lazy ass.  Yes, I’m out of shape.  No, I don’t need your condescending attitude about it just bc you’re thin.

Why don’t I jog? My breasts are so large, even just jogging is excruciating for my back/shoulders which are already in pain most of the day.

Why don’t I just hike more or climb stairs? My left hip will need to be replaced soon due to bone deterioration from medication I was on for years and my left knee was injured when I was a teenager.  I’m actually supposed to avoid stairs at all costs, but take them because I feel like a lazy ass when I don’t.

Why don’t I lift weights? Much like my hip, most of my joints are extremely weak and prone to dislocation.  My shoulders are a big issue.  Growing up with an abusive father, my body as been beaten and battered for years and parts of me are just falling apart.

None of this is an excuse for not being more active.  I can walk around my block.  I can do small things to make myself more active and help myself shed these unwanted pounds.  Trust me, despite my lack of action, I know what I need to do to change myself.

What pisses me off about all of this is there is one person in particular (a friend of a friend, who I don’t particularly like and only put up with because he’s invited everywhere and it isn’t usually my place to say something) who feels because he has a fast metabolism and is stick thin, he is qualified to “train” me and any of my other friends who are either overweight or just want to improve their athleticism.  BULL.SHIT.  I’ve seen him work out.  I’ve seen him ATTEMPT to run an extended distance.  Being thin is not the equivalent of being fit.  Don’t tell me I should start running when I know that isn’t the best way for me to get my cardio in.  Don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t eat when all you eat is fast food.  In fact, just stop talking all together.  I didn’t ask for your advice or help, and trust me, I NEVER will.

The other thing he loves to do is invite me and my friends on “epic adventures” aka “I’m gonna drive us all up to some woodsy area, and we can smoke pot and drink beer”.  Fine.  I don’t see why we have to sneak weed into a wildlife preserve or hike to the top of some mountain just to sit and drink, but if it makes you feel like you’ve done something with your life, sure.  What makes me want to hit him with my car is when he comes up to me and says “don’t worry, the hike isn’t that bad, you’ll be able to make it to the top.”  EXCUSE YOU, DOUCHEBAG.  I can hike.  Despite my complaining, I can do it.  I’m not going to pass out before we hit the top.  I’m not going to cry.  I might be a little winded by the time we get to the top, but I’m not incapable of walking the few miles to the top of wherever the fuck you want to take us.

I used to dance competitively.  I used to be thin.  I used to workout every day AFTER taking dance classes for hours.  I gained all of this weight as a side effect of the drugs I was on from 15-22.  It slowed my metabolism.  Weakened my bones.  But it didn’t make me incapable of swimming laps or hiking for the day.  Just because I’d rather go to the beach than hike up a mountain with you, doesn’t mean it’s because I’m just too goddamn fat.  Maybe, just MAYBE, we blow you off because you think you’re better than everyone in EVERY way and have no problems showing that, constantly.

Yes, I’m overweight.  Yes, I need to be more active.  No, I don’t need people who have no idea what they’re talking about “reassuring” me that I can do a certain physical activity.  My legs are almost pure muscle.  I’ll make it up the fucking trail.  Don’t tell me you’ll make it easy for me.  I’m overweight, not disabled.  I’m not on crutches.  I’m not in a wheelchair.  I’m just out of shape.  You want to “help” me?  Shut up and let me do my own thing.

Then again, this guy rates himself as a 9 on the 1-10 scale and going by looks alone, he’d be lucky to make the scale.  Add in his personality and he’s definitely somewhere in the negatives. So, I’m not surprised he thinks he’s the god of health.

Apparently you know more than I do…

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I know a lot about many things and nothing about others.  Some people, however, are under the illusion they know everything.  These people need to stay away from me.  Far, far away.  Trust me, it’s for their own good.  Everyone has a few things they have a lot of knowledge about due to their past experiences, but some people think they should tell you how to do just about everything (I had someone lecture me on the proper way to fill an ice cube tray…wtf).  Don’t lecture me on something I know everything about because one of two things will happen – I’ll tune you out completely or I’ll school you and make you look like the idiot you really are (usually the latter occurs, haha).  Here are three things I cannot stand people trying to tell me about when they obviously have no fucking clue.

  1. Pet training.  I have dogs, and I always have.  I also have many other pets and outside of researching how to train and care for these pets before getting them (something everyone should do), I have a lot of firsthand knowledge.  If I make my dog do thirty commands before giving him dinner, let me.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t say I’m being cruel.  A well-trained dog is essential, especially if you own a pitbull.  If I want to take his food from him mid-meal or mess with it, let me.  There’s a reason for it.  If I’m punishing him, don’t intervene.  This especially bothers me when people don’t have dogs themselves.  I don’t tell you how to raise your children, don’t interfere with how I raise my dog.  I also recently acquired a parrot from someone who falls into this “I know everything and will insist on telling you you’re doing it wrong” category.  Within twenty minutes of meeting the bird, she had already learned that “up” means step onto my hand.  He, on the other hand, couldn’t touch her without being bitten.  He’d yell at her and actually poke or shove her when she was doing something wrong.  Birds respond to soft voices and do not take physical punishment well.  It’s no wonder he ended up giving her to me because he couldn’t handle her.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t pretend.  We all know the truth and you’re making a fool out of yourself.
  2. Relationships.  I am not the person you want to go to for relationship advice.  I will give you advice based on what I think a relationship should be, but as far as solid, credible advice, I am discrediting myself.  However, I don’t go around butting into people’s relationships and claiming I know exactly how they work.  A lot of people who have less credibility than I do think they are the ultimate in relationship advice because…well, I don’t really know why.  I’m going to assume they watch too many movies and television shows.  The thing about relationship advice is it tends to be case specific.  Unless I know the person relatively well, I am hesitant to give advice outside of the obvious.  People love to tell me I shouldn’t do x, y, or z for whatever reason, but just because you wouldn’t do it or it wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t meant it wouldn’t make me happy.  And that’s the most important part of a relationship, isn’t it?  Both parties need to be happy with what’s going on.  If I don’t outright ask for your advice, chances are I don’t want or need it.
  3. My medical condition.  I have had a renal (kidney) conniption since I was 15.  I am very open about it because it isn’t a common condition and what I went through (from months in hospitals twice a year to chemotherapy) is something I like sharing because we had to make many tough decisions and I learned a lot.  Sometimes I tell these stories and people feel it’s okay to tell me things like “oh, well, what you should’ve done was this” or “this probably caused that”.  Excuse the fuck out of you, but do you even have an inkling of an idea about what you’re talking about?  I know how this works; I lived it.  People who have never been hospitalized in their life have said things like “why didn’t they give you morphine for your pain?  Your doctor must be terrible.”.  No, actually, my doctor is pretty damn fucking brilliant.  Morphine can have adverse effects and considering the amount of medications I was on, other painkillers were used, even though they weren’t as effective due to safety.  It also pisses me off when people get on my case about going against doctor’s orders.  In a hospital a general doctor sees you and maybe fifty other patients a day.  Usually this doctor has an intern or team of interns who brief them on your condition before they come in to do rounds.  My renal specialist, however, knows all of his patients forwards and backwards, so if my general doctor at the hospital says one thing (one example was when he attempted to fit me with a catheter and I threw a fit) and I know there is another option, I check with my specialist and usually get what I want (since I was fully mobile and a catheter can pose an extra infection risk for patients with a low immune system, I was allowed to avoid having one).  To this day I get people saying things like, “You should take Aleeve for your headache because its better for you than Tylenol,” and when I try to explain that due to my medical condition I can’t have Aleeve, they act like because they’ve had headaches all their life they know more than I do.  Save your breath before I knock it out of you.

All in all, I believe you should give advice only if it is asked of you.  You might not know the reasoning behind their actions and there could be a very valid reason they are doing something a specific way.  Just because it isn’t *your* way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Wrinkles – Why IDGAF

I overheard a woman at the drugstore today who told her daughter she couldn’t have a silly straw because “drinking from straws gives you lip wrinkles”.  Ok lady, A) your daughter is like six and B) LIP WRINKLES?  I drink from straws bc they’re fun, convenient, and for things like coffee, it helps avoid staining my teeth.  Lip wrinkles my ass.  I’m all for some preventative care, like using a skin cream (which beauty experts suggest women start using at age 20 now…anti-wrinkle cream..at 20?  I’m already screwed), but avoiding straws (and smoking) because of lip wrinkles?  I guess i shouldn’t smile either because those damned crow’s feet will start showing up.

Now, I know skin wrinkles over time and yes, constant puckering could, in fact, cause more lines and wrinkles around your mouth than someone who has never puckered their lips (all you girls doing the duck face are fucking up your skin, haha), but that means making out is causing wrinkles…which, let’s face it, I’m not giving up anytime soon.  I bet you she uses this whole lip wrinkles thing as an excuse to not do a certain something for her husband (trying to keep this post as G-rated as possible).  Lip wrinkles.  Whatever.

Here’s something I do just to show you how little of a flying fuck I could give about wrinkles: I rub my eyes almost every morning/night before and after bed.  I mean RUB.  We are talking vigorous circles and deep digging and makeup smeared across my eyes (because I rarely wash it off before bed…I’, just chock-full of great beauty habits over here….haha).  I’m talking rubbing till I see stars, taking a break, and rubbing some more.  Outside of stretching, rubbing my eyes is a favorite “I just woke up” activity.  And this causes major eye wrinkles.  Someone one described it as crumpling a paper bag every morning.  Soon it isn’t as hard to crumple, soon it becomes soft and limp and can’t hold shape, just like your skin.  True.  Very true.  Eye-rubbing can cause wrinkles, but who the fuck cares?  I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian and I know I’m going to look 30 until I hit 60, which is when I’ll suddenly look like I’m 100, or if its because I have never looked at a woman and thought less of her for her wrinkles.

I have judged teeth, hair, makeup, clothes, you name it, but wrinkles do not faze me.  I’m not sure if its because I feel like wrinkles are sort of a reminder that you’ve been there, done that, or if it’s because everyone gets them, but I really don’t consciously work on preventing them.  I wear sunscreen every day, but it’s in my moisturizer and I started the sunscreen thing when I was on chemo because I was sun-sensitive.  Other than that, life can bring it, I’ll just have a midlife crisis (or three) and be over it.  As long as you can’t mistake my face for a raisin, a few lip/eye wrinkles is no biggie.

Would you rather be gorgeous with a few wrinkles or look like your face was molded from plastic by a blind person?

How is this attractive?

I decided to search on the internet for people who think they are attractive or are thought to be attractive.  I’m not talking about a single instance of something happening.  I’m talking about a “look”.  Like the “I just rolled in Doritos” look or the “My makeup is expensive, so I’m wearing it all at once” look.  The great part about all of these is that someone must have found this attractive or it wouldn’t keep happening.  Let me show you the right and very wrong way to achieve each of my chosen “looks”.

BEING TAN

It should look natural, not like you’ve been painted.  Sun-kissed not  ORANGE. When in doubt, go to a tanning salon.  At home jobs are rarely a good idea.


MAKEUP

I don’t care how much makeup you have to use (see the before/after on the right) or what colors you use.  It is about BLENDING.  Makeup is meant to look like its supposed to be on your face, not like you were painted.  Need help?  YouTube has thousands of tutorials.

SHAPED EYEBROWS

No one wants a caterpillar for eyebrows, and I don’t care if you draw them on, wax, or tweeze, but please make sure they don’t make you look like a cartoon character.  When in doubt, get them professionally done at a CREDIBLE place because even the pros” can totally fuck them up.

POOF/QUIFF

So you like the look of the little “poof”?  Good.  But if you need to use a can or two of hairspray to keep it up, it’s probably too tall.  It shouldn’t look like your head is misshapen or like you’re wearing a hairpiece.  Again, make it look as natural as possible.

SHORT DRESSES

If we can see your ass, even when you’re not bent over, IT IS TOO SHORT. End of story.

Another post about body image…

Obviously Im pretty insecure and that’s why a lot of my posts relate to body image.  I recently dropped a pants size, and still feel like I look like this naked:

The keyword there is “feel”.  I’m not blind and despite my self-esteem issues, I know what I look like, but that is completely different from how I feel. I may look thinner than someone, but I feel their size, if not larger.  It’s about I feel versus how I actually look.  It’s about how I feel versus what size I wear.  It’s about how I feel versus what people tell me.

Now, I’m pretty sure I look (not feel) more like the following plus sized models (anything over a 10 is “plus sized” in the modeling world) based solely on their weights/measurements.  Actually, I am a size or two smaller than both of these women, but they do have hips that are bigger than mine, as I carry most of my weight in the chest area.  First up is Tara Lynn.  Her modeling cards show her measurements and what size she wears.  She is roughly my weight and height (give or take a few punds and inches) so she is a fairly good comparison to me.  Granted, she and I are not carbon copies, based solely on her modeling card, it’s safe to say my body is similar to hers to some extent.  However, like I said, our bodies aren’t exactly the same.  Her hips are much larger and my chest is much bigger. But, you get the idea.  This is something new to me, which I’d never thought of doing.  I’d never thought to compare myself to women who were of a similar weight/size/measurement and see what other people see versus relate what I looked like to how I feel.  Here are a few more pictures of her with a little info about her if you’re interested.

The second model is a little more on the risqué side, but the picture I found of her is the most accurate representation (according to me) of what I look like naked.  I haven’t asked anyone how well I did on making this comparison, but as far as the chest/stomach go, she

is fairly similar, probably more so that Tara Lynn.  Her name is London Andrews and she too is shorter than I am, a hair lighter, but wears a size or so larger.  Once again, her hips/lower half is larger than mine, but overall we have similar measurements.  What strikes me as interesting is that if I didn’t know how much she weighed, what size she wore, or what measurements she was, I would probably guess she was much thinner than I am solely because I never feel like I’m anywhere near her size.  The way the image was captured and the feeling it gives off is something I don’t usually feel, especially not if I’m scantily clad.  Both of these women are around my size.  They’re both beautiful.  But I feel like I’m double their size, especially since I am one of those girl who has decided to strive to be skinny.  Here are more photos of her (18+, please)

Before I conclude, let’s get something straight here.  I don’t want to be skin and bones.  I’d hate to be a size 0 or even a 2, but what I do want is to be thin.  Maybe “skinny” was a poor choice of words.  I’d settle for a 6 or 8 (although I’d kill to have Denise Milani’s body-she’s also the “featured image” for this post) .  My issue isn’t what size I am or what I see when I step on the scale, it’s how all of this makes me feel about myself.  It’s things like the Victoria’s Secret “Body for Everybody” line which, as the ad below shows, will NOT fit everybody, myself included.  It’s the feeling you get when you can’t find clothes that fit or your pants are suddenly snug one day.  Those feelings mixed in with what people say to you or how you and your environment interact as a whole are what causes projections of what you feel you look like to influence the way you see yourself.  It’s everything you’ve ever been told, felt, overheard, seen, experienced rolled into one.  Writing this post has actually been enlightening for me because (despite having to sift through X-rated content despite my search engine filter), I learned a lot about how I view myself compared to how other people see me.  Granted, some people will still see me as the first picture I posted or larger, but some people will see me the way I see the two models I posted pictures of or smaller.  It really comes down to how you feel in your skin.  If you’re happy with how you feel, than that’s great, but if you want to change yourself, have at it.  I’m one of the people who wants to change themselves, not because other people or society want me to, but because I feel I’d be happier as a whole.

Sizes 8, 12, and 14...

Why I go to bars…

All of my close friends are finally over 21, yet we rarely go out to bars. There are a few reasons, some of which are my own personal problems with taking these people out and others are their own personal problems, which I will now spread all over the internet. I’m going to go ahead and leave names out, even though they’ll know I’m bitching about them if they ever read this (which I *highly* doubt they will). Let’s start with a quick list of why I enjoy going to bars:

  1. drinking
  2. social
  3. drinking
  4. its public property, versus someone’s house where you have to worry about being courteous and things like spilling
  5. alcohol never runs out
  6. drinking

The only real cons I see are the cost and the possibility of having to cab it home (versus a DD, which doesn’t always work out).

Here’s a quick breakdown of the 3 main reasons why my friends don’t like going to bars with me or just aren’t invited:

1.  A couple of my friends don’t understand that just because we are drinking, it doesn’t mean you have to get WASTED.  Sure, drink away, but know your limits.  I definitely drink WAY too much sometimes (my birthday being a PERFECT example), but even though I get drunk, I;m not obnoxiously hammered to the point of needing a babysitter.  Things my friends have done because they are too drunk to be in public include:

    • drinking from random drinks strangers have – just because it’s there and not empty, doesn’t mean you can take sips
    • sleeping at the bar – go sleep in the car, don’t get kicked out because you drank yourself into a coma
    • pissing yourself – enough said
    • knocking over tables/barstools/people/drinks – walking disaster
    • whining about wanting food…to everyone – no food here, pretty sure those people don’t care how hungry you are
    • eating other people’s food – just because the bar serves food, doesn’t mean you can sit with strangers and eat their food

Bottom line is-dont do anything that can cause a fight or would be grounds for us to            get kicked out, and I’m a happy camper.  Control yourself.  You’ve been drinking since high school, learn your limits.  We are in a public place and you “just having fun” is ruining the night not just for the rest of us, but also other patrons.

2.  Complaining about the cost is one of my friend’s favorite things to do.  I understand drinking at home is cheaper and we can get shit faced there,  but the point of going to a bar is to meet new people, socialize, and have fun in a group setting versus four of us getting drink at someone’s house.  I try my hardest to pick places without a cover and usually theres some sort of $2 beer.  It really isn’t all that expensive.  Every one of my friends works, and they all can actually afford it, they’re just too cheap.  So, upon being invited, the “I’m broke” excuse usually surfaces and they end up staying home.

3.  I go to bars for the social aspect of it.  I am a girl.  Men will hit on me.  It happens.  People will talk to me.  Not all of the people who talk to me want to sleep with me, and I understand that.  One of my friends had a very protective girlfriend and ANY time ANYONE approaches her girlfriend, she loses it.  As the night continues, she gets progressively more drunk and more people approach her girlfriend, which pisses her off more.  Her girlfriend always explains she has a girlfriend, but can’t help that people approach her.  It’s part of the atmosphere; it comes  with the territory.  Instead of sulking in the corner and getting mad at your girlfriend (who is not at fault in any way), maybe you should socialize as well.  Instead of assuming every person who goes up to your girlfriend is trying to hit on her, talk to them like she does.  It will be obvious you two are together, problem solved.  But no, this always escalates into a fight between the two of them.  You live together.  Do you really think she is going to take someone else home or leave with someone else? I *HIGHLY* doubt that.  The last bar we went to, the argument happened early in the night and she ended up walking home while we stayed and enjoyed our night.  Talk about a buzzkill.

 

I got to bars to be social.  Sure, it can get expensive, but we’re all here to have a good time.  Get a little drunk, not hammered, and socialize.  Maybe we’ll meet new people to kick it with.  That’s why I go out.  Not to get wasted or spend all my money or fight over stupid things.

 

Gluttony

I love food.  No, you don’t understand.  I can eat.  All of my friends share this same sentiment.  We even say we are “getting our FP on”, with “FP” standing for “fat pride”.  But there is a difference between eating and overeating.  To overindulge is something we all might have done on occasion.  Ever squeezed in dessert when you knew you were stuffed?  What about people who eat to the point that they cannot walk?  That is an example of gluttony.  Want to be utterly disgusted?  Check out this woman.  She wants, that’s right, she WANTS to hit 1,000 pounds.  Gluttony.  BUT gluttony is not only food related.  Some people (we like to call these people “attention-whores”) thrive on attention and being the center of the spotlight.  Some people thrive on fame and will do anything to obtain it.  Ever heard the phrase “glutton for punishment”?  Gluttony, though usually linked to food and over eating, is not only about food.

In my intro post concerning Greed, I stated that what fascinates me about the Seven Deadly Sins is that everyone can or has committed them without even thinking about it.  Large technology companies like Apple get a lot of their revenue for technology gluttons.  People who already have an iPhone, iPad, Macbook, but need the newest version.  They need the best.  They overindulge in technology. Gluttony.

How many of you are gamers?  How many of you spend money you could be spending on clothes or food on your online gaming subscriptions?  How many of you have been to midnight game releases?  How many of you have ignored friends or family because you were gaming?  Gluttony.

What about people who shop themselves into mountainous credit card debt?  Gluttony.

What about workaholics?

What about animal hoarders?

What about people who take vacations every month?

All addicts are guilty of gluttony.  Whether its cigarettes, alcohol, anything.

Gluttony is, simply put, overindulgence in ANYTHING, and if you broaden the definition to include everything that you can “overdose” on, we are all gluttons in some way, shape, or form.  Gluttony leads to waste.  People’s lives are wasted because they over eat.  Money is wasted on products we don’t actually need, but want.  Time is wasted searching for the spotlight.  Try your best to live within your means.  This post relates to the one about greed.  We become gluttons because we are greedy, because we want and can have more.  Maybe if we stopped overindulging, we wouldn’t be as greedy, and the world would be a better place.  Dream big.  =P