Creepy for no real reason…

So, I had a really awkward experience at my mom’s house the other night and I wanted to share it and what I thought and felt about it afterward.

I’m sitting in my mom’s living room after having dinner.  Her boyfriend brings in a bottle of wine and pours each of us a glass.  We start talking, catching up.  I don’t know him very well, I’ve had dinner with him maybe four or five times since he and my mom got together almost two years ago.  I don’t know if it’s weird for me to see my mom being affectionate and showing she cares with someone (she wasn’t ever that way with my dad or rarely was with my sister and I), or if it’s because I don’t know him so well and he’s the complete opposite of my father, but I’ve never been all that comfortable around him, even though they live together now.

The conversation begins to wander toward the internet (because my mom bought me my MacBook as a combined christmas/birthday gift and before then I was without a computer for at least six months), and all of the internet talk led to watching YouTube videos.

Now, we all know YouTube videos are like potato chips, one is never enough and hours later you feel a little guilty.  Whether it be talking animals, people (my favorites are strippers and supermodels) falling down, or amazingly talented children, you can’t just watch one YouTube video.  Very much like Wikipedia, one click leads to another and soon its five hours later and you haven’t moved.

So, we open his iPad (they both have one), and he opens Safari.  I tell him that YouTube has its own pre-installed app and he seems hesitant about opening it and continues to look it up on Google.  Finally my mom nags him and he uses the app, quickly turning the iPad away from me and pulling up the video.  How he did this without clearing the search bar of “Adult porn stars” baffled me.  I didn’t point it out, but he decided it would be fine to claim he didn’t know why that was there.  This became an issue which my slightly tipsy mother decided to push.

I really don’t want to think about anything sexual involving either of my parents.  Since the divorce I’ve had to listen to the girls my dad brings home (a few of which were loud to the point I had to leave for fear of throwing up), watch my mom make out with her boyfriend, and listen to sexual jokes made by all parties that are just…inappropriate.  So this really shouldn’t have phased me, but it did.  Something about how this wasn’t just he and my mom hooking up bothered me.  He lives with her now in her tiny studio apartment, where does he browse YouTube for porn stars (because my mom was NOT happy, haha) or when?

This isn’t about porn or anything that goes along with it.  What was so unsettling as that my mom rarely leaves him alone in her apartment.  I know this, because I know my mom has secrets hidden in her apartment she wouldn’t want him to find.  So is he one of those creeps who sits at Starbucks with his iPad and looks at porn?  Why YouTube versus an actual porn site?  The whole incident set my mind off on a string of “what ifs” that just disturbed me a little bit.

I know it’s nothing to be concerned by and it’s nothing I should dwell on, but even so, my “creepy guy” meter hit the roof.  It’s just one of those things that struck me as odd and a little strange.

a new direction.

so, I’ve decided to get back into this whole blogging thing, mostly because I finally have access to a computer after my old one was deemed unusable.  I really don’t know what ”
direction” this blog was going in, but I’m going to redirect it.  Mostly because I’m a girl, and we have to change everything all the time.

in other news, I’ve decided to compile a “bucket list”.  This list will include things I’ve already done, but failed to document, be it via pictures, video, or some other form.  I’d actually like to start compiling some sort of scrapbook with a page dedicated to each of my bucket list items once complete.  I’ll be doing some things for the second time around, but it isn’t like anyone is going to dock me life points, so I don’t really give a fuck.  Starting from scratch is what people do at the beginning of a year, and that’s, in essence, what I’m doing here.

I had a bucket list as a kid.  A literal list written down as a kid of things I wanted to do when I grew up.  Actually, I had a few.  One of them I kept in this little tin piggy bank from Sanrio that had a tiny padlock on it.  It was blue and cylindrical and hidden ever so inconspicuously under my bed.  Let’s be honest here, my mom was a neat freak and there was nothing under my bed BUT that tin bank, so I don’t know why my seven year old self was utterly shocked when my mom called me into my room to talk about this little list I had made.

I came in and she sat me down on my bed next to her.  I knew I was in trouble the second she uttered her catchphrase, “Anything you want to share with me?”.  I racked my brain for things I’d done wrong and hidden from her.  There was no way she knew about her elephant figurine that I had broken while playing zoo even though I knew everything in that China cabinet was strictly forbidden.  The box in my closet hiding her stained work shirt seemed to be in the exact place I left it, so hopefully that wasn’t what she had found.  What was it?  I meekly answered, “no”, even though I KNEW there HAD to be something.  Then she pulled out the piggy bank and I knew I was in trouble.  I knew EXACTLY what I had written on that list.  I knew EXACTLY why I was in there. I suddenly regretting spending the night at a friend’s house a few weeks back and having a long conversation with her older sister, who was in high school at the time.  I knew I was busted.

She pulled the crumpled list from her pocket (which kind of annoyed me, as I had it PERFECTLY folded) and began reading.

  1. Buy a car
  2. Get a puppy
  3. Have a boyfriend
  4. Have sex
  5. Get married
  6. Have a baby

Now, please notice the order that list is in, as I’m sure that is the FIRST thing my mother noticed about her seven year old daughter’s “to-do” list.  I remember cringing right as she got to number four.  Then the questions began.  Where’d you learn about sex?  Who told you ?  What did they tell you?  When?  Why is it on your list before “get married”?  Why is it on your list at all?  What is this list for?  Why did you make it?  Why did you hide it from me? And the kicker-Have you done anything on this list?  Jesus christ, I AM SEVEN. Haha. But, she had a point, not only did I know all about sex, I knew it wasn’t just for making babies.  She knew an adult didn’t divulge that information, and she was going to get to the bottom of whose older sibling tainted her child.

I slowly answered all of her questions, never making eye contact.  I told her about the sleepover and revealed that my friend’s older sister was in sexual education at the local high school and decided to share everything she had learned with us.  I told her about the textbooks we flipped through and all of the pictures.  After confessing, she didn’t say a word, but she didn’t exactly look mad.  Being the bright, young child I was, I decided this was the perfect opportunity to make a closing statement.  My *genius* idea sounded a little something like this, “I don’t know why you’d be mad, mom.  I mean, you let me watch movies with you and daddy all the time and those grown ups have sex and are hardly ever married.  It’s just a fact of life, mom.  If I’m going to marry a guy forever, I gotta make sure he’s perfect at everything first, right?”

Needless to say, I did myself no favors and was grounded for a month.  No more movies rated PG-13+ for this seven year old…

So, on *that* note, I’ve decided to start another bucket list, checking off things using pictures/video/etc, and some of these life events will be repeats of things I’ve already done, but went undocumented.  “Have sex”, however, will not be on this new list. lol.