it’s been a while…

being busy takes its toll on a blog, but since i lost my job, my personal life is taking a nose dive, and my housing situation is rocky once again, it seems like outside of endless job applications, i’ll have time to blog again.  when it rains, it pours, and this just means i’m going to have to get myself a bigger umbrella.  i’m over using capital letters, for now.  yes, i am *that* lazy.  i’m not sure if it’s the weather or the lack of sanity in my life currently, but i am suffering with a huge case of the lazies.  also a huge case of smoking…and drinking…possibly some recreational drug use thrown in there…either way, i am sort of enjoying this mini vacation from life i’ve found myself on.  i don’t have anywhere to be, ever.  no job to go to in the morning, no dates to look cute for that night (who am i kidding?  I’ve never had those), no one to impress or please but myself.  it’s different.  it’s allowed me to think.  it’s allowed me to draw some conclusions.  because i have a blog, it’s allowing me to ramble.

if i were a dog, i’d be a lab.  i’m not always super smart, but i am smarter than i look.  i’m easy going, ready and willing to make you happy before making myself happy, i’m friendly with everyone, but loyal.  the only problem with this lifestyle is people can easily take advantage of you or take you for granted, and should that happen, you’re too busy focusing on other people instead of yourself.  unhappiness ensues.  it isn’t really your fault, you were just hoping that while you were making everyone else happy, someone would make you happy in return.  that’s fair, right?  well, as my mom always told me, life isn’t fair.  in fact, it was her favorite thing to say to me right as she was being brutally unfair.  long story short, you are the main factor in your own happiness.  if someone makes you happy, keep them around, but if you lack that person or those people, it becomes your job to put yourself first.  it’s a lesson i’ve been taught time and again, but only now is it sticking.

i dont necessarily believe in karma.  i don’t deny that what you put into the universe may come back at you, but i think it’s about more than just being good or being bad.  you have to feel that way as well.  you can do everything for everyone, but if you’re unhappy at the end of it all, no reward is going to come around.  that’s why we see awesome things happen to shitty people and shitty things happen to awesome people.  it isn’t about everyone else as much as it is about you.  if you are doing everything in your power to make yourself happy and living as true to yourself as possible (even if you are a shitty person) the world is going to spit awesome things back at you.

life isn’t fair, but it doesn’t fuck you over constantly either.  do what you can with what you’ve got.  lemons into lemonade or whatever.  but look at that.  just take a look at that adage for a second.  life only gave you lemons.  you still need water and sugar to make lemonade.  life isn’t supplying those.  you’re still going to have to work.  so life not only handed you shitty lemons, but also forgot to bestow you with the rest of the ingredients for lemonade.  fuck that.  if life keeps handing you lemons, make some fucking apple juice, and leave people wondering how you pulled it off.

it’s that simple.  work with what you have.  if you have nothing, work to change that.  little steps.  a tiger can’t change its stripes, sure, but you aren’t a tiger.  you’re a human being.  sentient.  top of the food chain (or so we like to think).  you can change.  people *can* change, it’s just that most of us don’t want to.  most of us are happy with what we are because it’s what we know.  someone hurt us, and now we act the way we do.  something went wrong, and now we have a certain personality trait.  we are all broken.  we are all insecure.  we are all afraid to trust people.  we all put up walls.  we all have fears.  dreams.  memories, good and bad.  we’ve all lost.  we’ve all won.  people can change.  they just have to find that one thing that’s worth changing for, be it a person, a job, a dream.  anyone can change.  the change may not come overnight, but who says it has to?

if you’re unhappy, the root cause is probably yourself.  i never wanted to admit that.  sure, other people or things contribute to that unhappiness, but when it all boils down, it’s up to you.  it’s up to you to take what people do or say to take how things turned out and let it make or break you.  things have broken me.  i am damaged.  i am broken.  that doesn’t mean i can’t be fixed.  it doesn’t mean things won’t get better.  it doesn’t mean i can’t move on.  it’s up to me to change myself and, in turn, that will change everything.  i’m finally mature enough to realize this.  i’m not always right, everyone isn’t always against me, i have something to do with my own happiness, i have a lot to do with it.  now i’m going to make it happen.  with or without anyone else’s help.

Apparently you know more than I do…

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I know a lot about many things and nothing about others.  Some people, however, are under the illusion they know everything.  These people need to stay away from me.  Far, far away.  Trust me, it’s for their own good.  Everyone has a few things they have a lot of knowledge about due to their past experiences, but some people think they should tell you how to do just about everything (I had someone lecture me on the proper way to fill an ice cube tray…wtf).  Don’t lecture me on something I know everything about because one of two things will happen – I’ll tune you out completely or I’ll school you and make you look like the idiot you really are (usually the latter occurs, haha).  Here are three things I cannot stand people trying to tell me about when they obviously have no fucking clue.

  1. Pet training.  I have dogs, and I always have.  I also have many other pets and outside of researching how to train and care for these pets before getting them (something everyone should do), I have a lot of firsthand knowledge.  If I make my dog do thirty commands before giving him dinner, let me.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t say I’m being cruel.  A well-trained dog is essential, especially if you own a pitbull.  If I want to take his food from him mid-meal or mess with it, let me.  There’s a reason for it.  If I’m punishing him, don’t intervene.  This especially bothers me when people don’t have dogs themselves.  I don’t tell you how to raise your children, don’t interfere with how I raise my dog.  I also recently acquired a parrot from someone who falls into this “I know everything and will insist on telling you you’re doing it wrong” category.  Within twenty minutes of meeting the bird, she had already learned that “up” means step onto my hand.  He, on the other hand, couldn’t touch her without being bitten.  He’d yell at her and actually poke or shove her when she was doing something wrong.  Birds respond to soft voices and do not take physical punishment well.  It’s no wonder he ended up giving her to me because he couldn’t handle her.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t pretend.  We all know the truth and you’re making a fool out of yourself.
  2. Relationships.  I am not the person you want to go to for relationship advice.  I will give you advice based on what I think a relationship should be, but as far as solid, credible advice, I am discrediting myself.  However, I don’t go around butting into people’s relationships and claiming I know exactly how they work.  A lot of people who have less credibility than I do think they are the ultimate in relationship advice because…well, I don’t really know why.  I’m going to assume they watch too many movies and television shows.  The thing about relationship advice is it tends to be case specific.  Unless I know the person relatively well, I am hesitant to give advice outside of the obvious.  People love to tell me I shouldn’t do x, y, or z for whatever reason, but just because you wouldn’t do it or it wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t meant it wouldn’t make me happy.  And that’s the most important part of a relationship, isn’t it?  Both parties need to be happy with what’s going on.  If I don’t outright ask for your advice, chances are I don’t want or need it.
  3. My medical condition.  I have had a renal (kidney) conniption since I was 15.  I am very open about it because it isn’t a common condition and what I went through (from months in hospitals twice a year to chemotherapy) is something I like sharing because we had to make many tough decisions and I learned a lot.  Sometimes I tell these stories and people feel it’s okay to tell me things like “oh, well, what you should’ve done was this” or “this probably caused that”.  Excuse the fuck out of you, but do you even have an inkling of an idea about what you’re talking about?  I know how this works; I lived it.  People who have never been hospitalized in their life have said things like “why didn’t they give you morphine for your pain?  Your doctor must be terrible.”.  No, actually, my doctor is pretty damn fucking brilliant.  Morphine can have adverse effects and considering the amount of medications I was on, other painkillers were used, even though they weren’t as effective due to safety.  It also pisses me off when people get on my case about going against doctor’s orders.  In a hospital a general doctor sees you and maybe fifty other patients a day.  Usually this doctor has an intern or team of interns who brief them on your condition before they come in to do rounds.  My renal specialist, however, knows all of his patients forwards and backwards, so if my general doctor at the hospital says one thing (one example was when he attempted to fit me with a catheter and I threw a fit) and I know there is another option, I check with my specialist and usually get what I want (since I was fully mobile and a catheter can pose an extra infection risk for patients with a low immune system, I was allowed to avoid having one).  To this day I get people saying things like, “You should take Aleeve for your headache because its better for you than Tylenol,” and when I try to explain that due to my medical condition I can’t have Aleeve, they act like because they’ve had headaches all their life they know more than I do.  Save your breath before I knock it out of you.

All in all, I believe you should give advice only if it is asked of you.  You might not know the reasoning behind their actions and there could be a very valid reason they are doing something a specific way.  Just because it isn’t *your* way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.