Fear Factor

What are you afraid of?  Heights?  Spiders?  Th Dark?  I’m afraid of all of those things and a few more.  We all have reasons we are afraid of something, and no matter how strange they may seem, they’re usually valid reasons.  I knew a girl in high school who was afraid of balloons.  BALLOONS.  Why?  When she was young, she was at a birthday party and someone popped a balloon in her ear.  A small piece of latex from the balloon actually entered her ear canal due to the force of the balloon popping and became lodged there.  She actually ended up needing surgery to have the latex piece removed before it caused any sort of infection.  Even the strangest fears are founded on something.  I’m going to share mine with you.

 

The dark.  Mirrors.  Open doors.  The edge of the bed.

These fears are all related.  As a kid I had night terrors and one of the things suggested to help me get over them was to open up about my dreams.  I would talk to me mom about what happened and why I was afraid.  My mother, being the great mom she is, decided scaring me in the same way I had been scared in my dream would help.  Once I dreamt about man eating plants growing in my bathroom (I had the master bedroom in our old house because it was at the back and my mom wanted the front room for safety reasons) and in the dream I had opened my shower curtain to find a bunch of plants there, waiting to consume me (I had read this in a book the night before).  My mom decided to fill my shower with potted plants while I was at school, knowing I’d shower later that night after dance class.  As stupid as it sounds, pulling back the shower curtain to a shower full of plants was so terrifying, I didn’t sleep in my room for two weeks.  My mom also liked to force me to watch scary movies, knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep afterward.  A lot of these movies involved seeing things run past open bedroom doors, reflections in mirrors, etc.  As a kid, my bed was always against a wall, and I slept as close to that wall as possible.  Doors were shut, closets sometimes had a chair in front of them.  Mirrors were covered in pictures and things cut from magazines.  To this day, I am 23 and sleep  with a light on.  I literally panic when the power goes out.  I can’t sleep in a room alone if the doors aren’t closed and it’s pitch black.  Even sleeping with someone, the doors will still bother me and there has to be some sort of ambient light.

 

Spiders.

I don’t mind arachnids.  I mean, fleas and ticks are gross, but I wanted a pet scorpion as a kid (and I still think having one would be kind of cool).  Spiders (I call them spideys, a childhood thing that just stuck), however, are a different story.  I don’t know if its because they bite or have so many legs or all the eyes or possibly the fangs, but spiders are just not okay in my book.  I really think its the combination of the fact that they make web (no other animal that I know of does) and how they eat their prey – mummifying it and then draining it of blood.  Fleas have eight legs and they bite.  Ticks fill themselves with your blood and also have eight legs.  Scorpions have stingers.  But spiders, they are hairy and just, awful.  Even pictures of spiders will freak me out.  I think walking into a rather large web as a kid and having to swat three or four spiders off my body is what did me in for this fear.  My mom is also afraid of them, but not even close to the extent my sister and I are.  We can’t even kill them with a shoe, for fear of the spider surviving (which they do sometimes) and coming after us since we’re so close to it.

 

Heights.

I love roller coasters, but am extremely afraid of heights.  As a child my dad left a present on the roof one Christmas and told me Santa must have left it up there.  He brought out a ladder and I told him it’s going to stay up there because I am not going up after it.  I have gotten better with this fear,  I used to be unable to walk out onto balconies, but now, as long as I don’t get too close to the railing, I can handle it.  My dad fell off a roof when I was very young and his back has bothered him ever since.  I used to have recurring nightmares about falling off of our roof, and I think that’s why I have this fear.  Although it’s common, neither of my parents share it with me.

 

Elbows.

Okay, so this one is a little strange.  I am afraid of elbows.  People pointing their elbows at me or showing them to me freaks me out.  I can’t stand having my elbows touched and I don’t like touching other people’s elbows.  A skinned elbow is probably the worst thing that could happen to me.  I would probably have some sort of anxiety attack.  My mom had severe eczema when I was growing up, and she used to tell me I’d catch it from her.  Her elbows were red, raw, cracked, and sometimes there was blood or pus.  It freaked me out.  She would shove her elbows in my face and that terrified me.  I didn’t want to catch what she had and have it all over my face.  She would try to rub her elbow on mine when we sat next to each other.  This plus the actual structure of the elbow is where my fear comes from.  Unlike a knee which has a “cap” and elbow is literally a joint covered by skin.   There isn’t any muscle there or anything to protect the elbow.  I had a dream once that I was doing something (I can’t remember exactly what now), and I somehow pulled the skin off my elbow while it was bent, revealing a cone (for lack of a better term) of white bone.  To this day I feel like that is totally possible, despite the reality of the situation.

 

I’m sure I have other little fears I have forgotten to mention, but these are definitely my biggest.  They’re all justified somehow (usually by a scarring childhood event), and I feel like everyone has something that caused them to be afraid of whatever they have a fear of, despite the rationality of the fear itself.

What are you afraid of?

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Apparently you know more than I do…

I consider myself a fairly intelligent person.  I know a lot about many things and nothing about others.  Some people, however, are under the illusion they know everything.  These people need to stay away from me.  Far, far away.  Trust me, it’s for their own good.  Everyone has a few things they have a lot of knowledge about due to their past experiences, but some people think they should tell you how to do just about everything (I had someone lecture me on the proper way to fill an ice cube tray…wtf).  Don’t lecture me on something I know everything about because one of two things will happen – I’ll tune you out completely or I’ll school you and make you look like the idiot you really are (usually the latter occurs, haha).  Here are three things I cannot stand people trying to tell me about when they obviously have no fucking clue.

  1. Pet training.  I have dogs, and I always have.  I also have many other pets and outside of researching how to train and care for these pets before getting them (something everyone should do), I have a lot of firsthand knowledge.  If I make my dog do thirty commands before giving him dinner, let me.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t say I’m being cruel.  A well-trained dog is essential, especially if you own a pitbull.  If I want to take his food from him mid-meal or mess with it, let me.  There’s a reason for it.  If I’m punishing him, don’t intervene.  This especially bothers me when people don’t have dogs themselves.  I don’t tell you how to raise your children, don’t interfere with how I raise my dog.  I also recently acquired a parrot from someone who falls into this “I know everything and will insist on telling you you’re doing it wrong” category.  Within twenty minutes of meeting the bird, she had already learned that “up” means step onto my hand.  He, on the other hand, couldn’t touch her without being bitten.  He’d yell at her and actually poke or shove her when she was doing something wrong.  Birds respond to soft voices and do not take physical punishment well.  It’s no wonder he ended up giving her to me because he couldn’t handle her.  If you don’t know what you’re doing, don’t pretend.  We all know the truth and you’re making a fool out of yourself.
  2. Relationships.  I am not the person you want to go to for relationship advice.  I will give you advice based on what I think a relationship should be, but as far as solid, credible advice, I am discrediting myself.  However, I don’t go around butting into people’s relationships and claiming I know exactly how they work.  A lot of people who have less credibility than I do think they are the ultimate in relationship advice because…well, I don’t really know why.  I’m going to assume they watch too many movies and television shows.  The thing about relationship advice is it tends to be case specific.  Unless I know the person relatively well, I am hesitant to give advice outside of the obvious.  People love to tell me I shouldn’t do x, y, or z for whatever reason, but just because you wouldn’t do it or it wouldn’t work for you, doesn’t meant it wouldn’t make me happy.  And that’s the most important part of a relationship, isn’t it?  Both parties need to be happy with what’s going on.  If I don’t outright ask for your advice, chances are I don’t want or need it.
  3. My medical condition.  I have had a renal (kidney) conniption since I was 15.  I am very open about it because it isn’t a common condition and what I went through (from months in hospitals twice a year to chemotherapy) is something I like sharing because we had to make many tough decisions and I learned a lot.  Sometimes I tell these stories and people feel it’s okay to tell me things like “oh, well, what you should’ve done was this” or “this probably caused that”.  Excuse the fuck out of you, but do you even have an inkling of an idea about what you’re talking about?  I know how this works; I lived it.  People who have never been hospitalized in their life have said things like “why didn’t they give you morphine for your pain?  Your doctor must be terrible.”.  No, actually, my doctor is pretty damn fucking brilliant.  Morphine can have adverse effects and considering the amount of medications I was on, other painkillers were used, even though they weren’t as effective due to safety.  It also pisses me off when people get on my case about going against doctor’s orders.  In a hospital a general doctor sees you and maybe fifty other patients a day.  Usually this doctor has an intern or team of interns who brief them on your condition before they come in to do rounds.  My renal specialist, however, knows all of his patients forwards and backwards, so if my general doctor at the hospital says one thing (one example was when he attempted to fit me with a catheter and I threw a fit) and I know there is another option, I check with my specialist and usually get what I want (since I was fully mobile and a catheter can pose an extra infection risk for patients with a low immune system, I was allowed to avoid having one).  To this day I get people saying things like, “You should take Aleeve for your headache because its better for you than Tylenol,” and when I try to explain that due to my medical condition I can’t have Aleeve, they act like because they’ve had headaches all their life they know more than I do.  Save your breath before I knock it out of you.

All in all, I believe you should give advice only if it is asked of you.  You might not know the reasoning behind their actions and there could be a very valid reason they are doing something a specific way.  Just because it isn’t *your* way, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Wrinkles – Why IDGAF

I overheard a woman at the drugstore today who told her daughter she couldn’t have a silly straw because “drinking from straws gives you lip wrinkles”.  Ok lady, A) your daughter is like six and B) LIP WRINKLES?  I drink from straws bc they’re fun, convenient, and for things like coffee, it helps avoid staining my teeth.  Lip wrinkles my ass.  I’m all for some preventative care, like using a skin cream (which beauty experts suggest women start using at age 20 now…anti-wrinkle cream..at 20?  I’m already screwed), but avoiding straws (and smoking) because of lip wrinkles?  I guess i shouldn’t smile either because those damned crow’s feet will start showing up.

Now, I know skin wrinkles over time and yes, constant puckering could, in fact, cause more lines and wrinkles around your mouth than someone who has never puckered their lips (all you girls doing the duck face are fucking up your skin, haha), but that means making out is causing wrinkles…which, let’s face it, I’m not giving up anytime soon.  I bet you she uses this whole lip wrinkles thing as an excuse to not do a certain something for her husband (trying to keep this post as G-rated as possible).  Lip wrinkles.  Whatever.

Here’s something I do just to show you how little of a flying fuck I could give about wrinkles: I rub my eyes almost every morning/night before and after bed.  I mean RUB.  We are talking vigorous circles and deep digging and makeup smeared across my eyes (because I rarely wash it off before bed…I’, just chock-full of great beauty habits over here….haha).  I’m talking rubbing till I see stars, taking a break, and rubbing some more.  Outside of stretching, rubbing my eyes is a favorite “I just woke up” activity.  And this causes major eye wrinkles.  Someone one described it as crumpling a paper bag every morning.  Soon it isn’t as hard to crumple, soon it becomes soft and limp and can’t hold shape, just like your skin.  True.  Very true.  Eye-rubbing can cause wrinkles, but who the fuck cares?  I don’t know if it’s because I’m Asian and I know I’m going to look 30 until I hit 60, which is when I’ll suddenly look like I’m 100, or if its because I have never looked at a woman and thought less of her for her wrinkles.

I have judged teeth, hair, makeup, clothes, you name it, but wrinkles do not faze me.  I’m not sure if its because I feel like wrinkles are sort of a reminder that you’ve been there, done that, or if it’s because everyone gets them, but I really don’t consciously work on preventing them.  I wear sunscreen every day, but it’s in my moisturizer and I started the sunscreen thing when I was on chemo because I was sun-sensitive.  Other than that, life can bring it, I’ll just have a midlife crisis (or three) and be over it.  As long as you can’t mistake my face for a raisin, a few lip/eye wrinkles is no biggie.

Would you rather be gorgeous with a few wrinkles or look like your face was molded from plastic by a blind person?

Why Valentine’s day is overrated, but I wouldn’t say I hate it

I feel like a lot of girls think they know what guys want and try to mold themselves into that image (gamer chicks, girls who know cars, girls who like sports, etc.).  Granted, many of these girls genuinely have these interests, I feel like a lot of these sentiments are faked.  Hatred of Valentine’s Day is a prime example.

Valentine’s Day is an over commercialized holiday (which ones aren’t these days?) falling on February 14th every year.  Chocolates, roses, stuffed bears holding hearts, we’ve all seen it before,  Even as kindergardeners we brought valentines to school to give to all of our classmates.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day (as many girls like to claim), but I do think it’s vastly overrated.  Unlike my birthday or an anniversary, EVERYONE participates in Valentine’s Day (assuming you don’t fall into the “forever alone” category), and at this point it’s mandatory that you get your significant other something to commemorate a day that few people know the history behind.  In all honesty, I’d rather be taken out for an anniversary or birthday because it is special to me and personal versus being something everyone is doing.  That being said, I wouldn’t mind being treated or getting a gift on Valentine’s day, but I’d be equally happy getting nothing, which is DEFINITELY not the case for my birthday.  In a similar light, if my significant other’s birthday fell on or around Valentine’s day, I would want nothing from him because it simply isn’t as special.

Now let’s get into the gifts/marketing aspect of Valentine’s Day.  As o New Year’s Day, I was already seeing the heart shaped boxes and red and pink decorations adorning drugstores.  As someone who hates pink because I find the color obnoxious, having to put up with it for a month before the actual holiday is quite irritating.  For me, a gift on Valentine’s Day is completely optional, and if you’re going to get me something, please put a little thought into it or don’t bother.  I refuse to grab a box of chocolates off a shelf and call it a day.  If I’m buying candy or chocolate, it’s going to be picked specifically for the person in mind, assuming I know what their favorites are.  Flowers too.  Even stuffed animals (although I do like bears, haha).  Personally, I’d much rather receive one sunflower than fifty roses because I’d know he was specifically thinking of me at the time versus just grabbing whatever.  As a female, lingerie is always marketed as a popular gift…apparently you can’t surprise someone by dressing like a vixen any other day….and sadly, sex has also become a go-to gift (not that I’d ever complain about getting that as a present…).  Dinner is also a go-to option.  Restaurants are already advertising “dinner for two” specials.  Again, the lack of thought here is what gets me.  I’d be more than happy ordering a pizza and watching a movie to celebrate-at least you’re together, right?  And, let’s be honest, if you want to interrupt the movie for a little spontaneous playtime, have at it, no need to finish dinner and drive home.

The sad part about this holiday is that people are starting to dread it, even if they have someone to celebrate with.  It’s becoming mandatory to spend money and do something to prove you love someone on that specific day. You shouldn’t have to.  Just like I believe you shouldn’t have to get married to prove that you want to be with that person forever.  If you love them, they should know it because you should be showing it in all the little things you do; Valentine’s Day shouldn’t make or break the relationship.  When I used to babysit regularly, Valentine’s Day would be one of my biggest money makers because it was obligatory date night.  I don’t think it should feel like that.  It shouldn’t be a chore.  You shouldn’t have to fret and worry about what you’re doing or if you forgot.

Valentine’s Day has become some sort of monster of a holiday to those in relationships and a total buzzkill for those who aren’t.  I think way too much goes into this holiday and in all honesty, it really isn’t all that special.  To me its just another day where there is a possibility of something romantic happening.  If it doesn’t, no biggie.  I don’t hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t look forward to it either.  I’m completely indifferent about it, and I really think most of us should be that way.  If you’re surprised with flowers or a gift, great, but don’t expect them or be disappointed when the ideal romantic comedy-esque date doesn’t happen.  It’s just another church holiday marketed into a mandatory gift giving day.  Show them they’re special every day, not just on the fourteenth.

The Most Shocking Thing -nsfw due to language

I overheard the most shocking thing at the dog park the other day.  An older woman (let’s call her 55+) was chatting to a friend about her German shepherd.  I was eavesdropping because there isn’t much to do at the dog park other than watch Tank wear himself out.  She was talking about going on trips and how she doesn’t trust many people because her dog is like her child. I understand.  My dog is like my child.  I have so many pictures of him that people probably think I’m a total nut job.  Anyway, they continue talking and I guess a mutual friend of theirs is moving away and can’t take her dog, so she gave him to a good friend.  The woman who owned the German shepherd looked shocked.  She immediately said that was the cruelest thing anyone could do and if she couldn’t keep her dog for any reason, she’d have him put down.

wtf? WHAT…THE….FUCK?  Who the…What in the hell kind of logic is that?  Excuse my language, but that lady is one fucked up piece of shit.  Putting your dog down because it can’t live with you anymore?  Dog lover my ass.  If I couldn’t keep Tank anymore (which will never happen, I mean, I lived in a CAR with that dog for 6 months), I would find the best home I could for him.  But no, this bitch would kill her dog.  “I’d put him down.  It’d be too hard on him to be without me.”  Sure.  Might as well have said “I’m so fucking great, this dog would die without me.  To save him the agony, I’m just gonna kill him, death row status.”  What in the fuck?  If a dog is not severely ill and in a lot of incurable pain, you do not put them down.  I’ve had to put down a dog before and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done.  The only thing that helped me was knowing he wasn’t suffering anymore, but to put down a dog that isn’t suffering?

And I am a dog person.  DOG PERSON.  I treat my dogs like humans.  I believe they have feelings, they miss people, they get depressed, but if you put that dog in a good home, who’s to say they won’t be happy without you?  For all you know that dog is just waiting for your idiot ass to kick the bucket.  This was just shocking and upsetting.

To make matters worse, I googled “putting a dog down because you can’t keep them” and it happens ALL THE TIME.  People would rather kill their dog than give it to a friend or adopt it out.  Shit, even a no-kill shelter is better at that point, and she has a gorgeous purebred German shepherd.  I’m positive there are German shepherd rescue groups out there who would be more than happy to take in her dog.

THIS WHOLE THING IS INFURIATING AND RIDICULOUS.

If this bothers you as much as it did me, you probably feel like punching an old lady right now.  So we avoid any violence, here are pictures of my baby boy, Tank:

Body Art – Tattoos

Last night I net a guy who was covered in tattoos.  He was an aspiring tattoo artist and has actually tattooed a few of my friends.  I have three tattoos currently, with plans to get quite a few more.  When I tell people about the tattoos I want or that I’m hoping to have many, I always get people who try to tell me it’s a bad idea.  Why?  It’s my body and if I want to decorate it, I can.  My ears aren’t pierced, but if you feel okay putting holes in your body, go ahead.  My favorite thing to hear is “just make sure they’re hidden.  You don’t want to be unemployed because of your mistakes.”  Um, ok.  Well, I don’t have tattoos covering my face, nor do I plan to.  None of my tattoos include curse words, drugs, drinking, nudity, etc.  I have a sunflower, a peace sign, and a dragonfly.  Pretty non-controversial and in all honesty, suitable for any workplace.  Just because my doctor has a tattoo of a skull on his arm, doesn’t mean he isn’t the best cardiac surgeon out there.  If you’re stupid enough to think that having an employee with tattoos will hurt your business, I don’t want to work for you anyway, so no worries about not hiring me.  I currently have two tattoos that are visible at work.  One is on my neck behind my ear and the other on my wrist.  I’ve never gotten a single complaint.  Compliments, tons.  Complaints, zero.  So, all you judgmental people out there need to loosen up and realize you’re not any better than someone with ink.

Here’s another thing that irritates me about my tattoos.  People always ask me why I got them.  What’s your story behind that?  Oh, I don’t know.  I like sunflowers, so I got one.  You like earrings so you got your ears pierced.  No story there.  These shows like LA Ink and Miami Ink and whatever Ink always have people who come in with some elaborate story as to why they’re getting a walrus driving a speedboat tattooed on their stomach.  You don’t need a story.  As my tattoo artist, Al, told me, “People who have stories about their tattoos are bullshitting me half the time.  You don’t need to make up a story about why you’re getting what you want.  Just get it.  Stop trying to give yourself justification.  Tattoos aren’t bad.  You don’t have to justify them.  If you feel like you NEED to, you probably shouldn’t ask me to ink you, because that’s not how it should be.”  So when people ask me why I have a dragonfly made of three birds on my foot, I simply respond with “I love dragonflies and this was a cool way to draw one.”  Simple.  It doesn’t need to mean anything or symbolize anything or be anything.

Tattoos are permanent, we all know that.  It’s on you for life, it’s probably the only thing I’ve ever been okay with committing to.  It’s something you chose, designed, whatever.  You love it.  Someone asks to see it and calls it stupid.  Low blow, man, low blow.  Sure, tell me my shirt is stupid or even my haircut, but my tattoo?  That’s like someone telling you your rhinoplasty looks moronic.  Even if the tattoo is stupid, why would you straight up tell someone that?  I’ve heard it, I’ve been victim to it, and it isn’t a good feeling at all.  Even though I love my tattoos and I don’t think any of them look stupid, when someone chastises you for it, it’s going to stir up either anger, sadness, or a combination of the two, even if it’s only for a minute.  It’s about being respectful more than it is about hurting someone’s feelings.  If someone wants to get their tattoo removed or covered up because someone said it was stupid, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten that at all if you’re that easily swayed into hating it, BUT even if what was said isn’t taken to heart, even if the tattoo is awful or is something you would never get, don’t use it as an excuse to bring someone else down.  You don’t have to lie and compliment it, but don’t be outright rude.

On that note, let’s have a quick grammar lesson. Your = possessive. “Your dog is fat.”  You’re = you are. “You’re fat.”  Everyone should know this, especially if you’re old enough to get tattooed.  At 18, the proper use of “there”, “their”, and “there” should be something you know without having to think about, especially if one of these words is in your tattoo.  I know FOUR people with tattoos that have grammatical errors…FOUR DIFFERENT PEOPLE.  Did you not read the template before it was put on you?  Did you not think to make sure everything was spelled correctly and the grammar was pristine?  My next tattoo is a quotation, and I am going to proofread that thing before it goes on me so many times, my artist might want to kill me (even though I completely trust Al, he’s never steered me or anyone I’ve sent to him wrong).  Tattoos are for life, try to make sure you get the spelling right.

To conclude, here is my list of Do’s and Dont’s for tattooing:

DO think about it before you go.  Placement, what you want, how you want it.  At least have a general idea.  Most artists can work with you on design or placement, but if you go in saying “I want a flower, I don’t know which kind or where” they might just tell you to come back when you have a better idea.

DON’T get what you want the second you figure it out.  Let it marinate for a bit.  If you still want it in a week or two, go for it, but if you do it on a whim and next week hate it, you’re screwed.

DO bring your own design, whether you drew it yourself or snatched a picture from Google, and see if your artist can tweak it to make it unique.  You don’t want to pick something off the wall and run into six people who have the same *exact* tattoo.

DON’T get someone’s name tattooed on you.  Exceptions are children and anyone who is deceased.  I don’t care how much you love them, a tattoo isn’t the way to show it.  Removal is painful and not always 100% and coverup jobs can be expensive.

DO research on the care and keeping of tattoos.  If you’re on a swim team, get your tattoo done when you don’t swim every day, if you work in the sun make sure it can be covered, etc.  If your tattoo isn’t taken care of, it can get infected or not heal properly and lead to a big mess.

DON’T get wasted first.  I guarantee you and legitimate tattoo place will not tattoo a person who has been drinking for many reasons, including health related ones.

DO visit the place you are getting your tattoo done before hand.  You want to meet your artist, get pricing, and set up a tattoo appointment.  Most tattoos take some time to finish, even small ones, and many places do not do drop ins.

DON’T bargain hunt.  This is not an area where you want to try to cut a deal.  Tattoos are expensive and trying to haggle will not go off well.  Be prepared for the cost, even for a small piece, because most tattoo shops have a minimum everyone must pay.

DO tip!  If the artist did a good job, tip them.  Even if your piece was hundreds of dollars, they still put in the work and managed to not mess up.  Tattooing isn’t easy and had your artist messed up, you’d be screwed for life.  Also-tattoos can be addicting, so if you’re going back for more and you tipped well, you’re more likely to be treated well.

DON’T bring an entire posse to get your tattoo done.  Some places don’t even allow one guest to sit with you while you’re being inked.  Think of it this way: the fewer distractions for your tattoo artist, the better.

DO relax.  If you’re nervous about your tattoo, maybe you shouldn’t get one.  I was PUMPED to get mine and you should be excited too.  If not, maybe you just need to wait until you’re more comfortable.

Baby names…

Babies are cute, adorable bundles of joy, or so people would have you believe.  Babies are actually evil, screaming bundles of poop and spit-up.  Kids are great, I’d love to have kids in the future…the FUTURE.  I value my freedom, ability to come home when I wish and, outside of my pets, my lack of responsibility for anyone outside of myself.  I feel the same way about marriage.  I’m all for signing a piece of paper locking myself into a relationship with someone (actually, I’m more for the party and the dress), but I am in NO rush.  But, alas, I am a girl and I do think about things like what my dress will look like and what I’ll name my little joyful bundle of drool.  But naming a baby isn’t as easy as it may seem.  I mean, Beyonce and Jay-Z put a lot of thought into Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue or whatever.  Here are some tips on naming your baby:

  • No nouns. Examples include Apple, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jenna Elfman’s son, Story.
  • Nothing you would name a dog.  I’m looking at you, Robert Rodriguez.  Naming your sons Rogue, Rebel, Racer and Rocket…let’s try to ignore the use and abuse of the letter “R”.  Gerard Way named his daughter Bandit, popular name for dogs and ferrets alike.
  • Spell it in a way that is normal and pronounceable, we shouldn’t have to derive Serenity from Saryniti (a girl on Toddlers and Tiaras was burdened with that name).
  • This whole “everyone in my family has a name that starts with the same letter” thing has to stop.  The Kardashians did it.  The Duggars did it to all 19…20? How many fucking kids do they have? Anyway, don’t you dare do it.
  • Do not name your child after a place or car.  Mercedes.  Porsche. Paris.  London. Oh, and naming your child after a car is a real thing (one you should avoid at all costs)

 

I’ve come up with a few baby names I actually like (as picky as I am):

Evelyn, Amelia, Sophie, Genevieve, Scarlett, Teagan

Oliver, Nathaniel, Jack, Dominic, Riley, Logan

Feel free to share any you like, even if they clash with my rules. haha.