being busy takes its toll on a blog, but since i lost my job, my personal life is taking a nose dive, and my housing situation is rocky once again, it seems like outside of endless job applications, i’ll have time to blog again. when it rains, it pours, and this just means i’m going to have to get myself a bigger umbrella. i’m over using capital letters, for now. yes, i am *that* lazy. i’m not sure if it’s the weather or the lack of sanity in my life currently, but i am suffering with a huge case of the lazies. also a huge case of smoking…and drinking…possibly some recreational drug use thrown in there…either way, i am sort of enjoying this mini vacation from life i’ve found myself on. i don’t have anywhere to be, ever. no job to go to in the morning, no dates to look cute for that night (who am i kidding? I’ve never had those), no one to impress or please but myself. it’s different. it’s allowed me to think. it’s allowed me to draw some conclusions. because i have a blog, it’s allowing me to ramble.
if i were a dog, i’d be a lab. i’m not always super smart, but i am smarter than i look. i’m easy going, ready and willing to make you happy before making myself happy, i’m friendly with everyone, but loyal. the only problem with this lifestyle is people can easily take advantage of you or take you for granted, and should that happen, you’re too busy focusing on other people instead of yourself. unhappiness ensues. it isn’t really your fault, you were just hoping that while you were making everyone else happy, someone would make you happy in return. that’s fair, right? well, as my mom always told me, life isn’t fair. in fact, it was her favorite thing to say to me right as she was being brutally unfair. long story short, you are the main factor in your own happiness. if someone makes you happy, keep them around, but if you lack that person or those people, it becomes your job to put yourself first. it’s a lesson i’ve been taught time and again, but only now is it sticking.
i dont necessarily believe in karma. i don’t deny that what you put into the universe may come back at you, but i think it’s about more than just being good or being bad. you have to feel that way as well. you can do everything for everyone, but if you’re unhappy at the end of it all, no reward is going to come around. that’s why we see awesome things happen to shitty people and shitty things happen to awesome people. it isn’t about everyone else as much as it is about you. if you are doing everything in your power to make yourself happy and living as true to yourself as possible (even if you are a shitty person) the world is going to spit awesome things back at you.
life isn’t fair, but it doesn’t fuck you over constantly either. do what you can with what you’ve got. lemons into lemonade or whatever. but look at that. just take a look at that adage for a second. life only gave you lemons. you still need water and sugar to make lemonade. life isn’t supplying those. you’re still going to have to work. so life not only handed you shitty lemons, but also forgot to bestow you with the rest of the ingredients for lemonade. fuck that. if life keeps handing you lemons, make some fucking apple juice, and leave people wondering how you pulled it off.
it’s that simple. work with what you have. if you have nothing, work to change that. little steps. a tiger can’t change its stripes, sure, but you aren’t a tiger. you’re a human being. sentient. top of the food chain (or so we like to think). you can change. people *can* change, it’s just that most of us don’t want to. most of us are happy with what we are because it’s what we know. someone hurt us, and now we act the way we do. something went wrong, and now we have a certain personality trait. we are all broken. we are all insecure. we are all afraid to trust people. we all put up walls. we all have fears. dreams. memories, good and bad. we’ve all lost. we’ve all won. people can change. they just have to find that one thing that’s worth changing for, be it a person, a job, a dream. anyone can change. the change may not come overnight, but who says it has to?
if you’re unhappy, the root cause is probably yourself. i never wanted to admit that. sure, other people or things contribute to that unhappiness, but when it all boils down, it’s up to you. it’s up to you to take what people do or say to take how things turned out and let it make or break you. things have broken me. i am damaged. i am broken. that doesn’t mean i can’t be fixed. it doesn’t mean things won’t get better. it doesn’t mean i can’t move on. it’s up to me to change myself and, in turn, that will change everything. i’m finally mature enough to realize this. i’m not always right, everyone isn’t always against me, i have something to do with my own happiness, i have a lot to do with it. now i’m going to make it happen. with or without anyone else’s help.
- Life is like a lemonade… (limetreekids.com)